The Family Tank

this M4A4 has extra armor plates in front of c...
Image via Wikipedia

I’m quite convinced there will come a time when I arrive home and find a Sherman tank in front of our home.  I’m sure the turret will be removed and the tank will be painted red or grey to hide its original purpose as a vehicle of mass destruction.  The turret might, in fact, be replaced by a Thule “rocket box” or something along those lines.  Similarly, the treads will be removed and replaced with impossibly huge tires.  Hopefully “spinners” will be an option not chosen but one never knows. 

It started innocently enough – we are getting two puppies in the next couple weeks from a great breeder down in Salem.  During our last visit he happened to mention to my wife just how much better off we would be if we had a Suburban.  From what I have been led to believe, these vehicles seat an entire college football team, a cheerleading squad and a set of bleachers as well.  Throw in the trampled hopes and dreams of an entire nation of Prius drivers and I think the vehicle is finally full.  These are mechanical beasts one step removed from running over soldiers in trenches. 

The last time I checked, there isn’t a “green” solution for hauling a ton of junk.  I suppose I could take three Priusii (I’m not sure what the plural version of Prius is) and weld them together.  I could then add a bike rack or two, a couple of extra storage boxes on top and an elaborate towing device to tow a Smart car behind.  It would be a monstrosity – a vehicle perversion of epic proportions.  Babies would shriek in horror as it approached and those with weak constitutions would faint on the spot.  We would paint it black with white skulls for decorations – tastefully rendered of course.  We would hook up a stereo system not unlike an ice cream truck and would blast out Hungarian folk music. 

In all honesty, I’m hoping we can fit all the camping gear, dogs etc into the current Ford Explorer without having to contact a military surplus facility.  Time will tell.


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